the lonesome loner seems to free his mind at night

there's something going on here.

it seems that all the tons of people who were sniffing around, trying to get pleasure and trying to please, the people who i couldn't keep up with, the bodies of friends and lovers, the overwhelming sense of human-ness in my world is gone...gone...gone.

they dont' come around anymore.

they don't want me, they don't need me, they don't call me.

then again, i don't hunt them down either. i don't cast out my lure the way i did, twisting and turning and posturing and inner-postulating and oh, do they love me? why don't they love me? who loves me at all?

it's as if i'm transparent to those in the social reaches.

even the emails have stopped. "hey, how are you? wtf?? why haven't you written or called?" stopped.

i wonder if i'm a little haunted. bats in the belfry for real. no more riding the waves of approval and shame. i feel as though i'm up at bat (great, a baseball analogy) but nothing's happening. the pitcher's not throwing me anything, the fielders are just kind of looking around, the people in the stands take turns pointing me out and ignoring me, going to the bathroom for my time at bat, sipping sodas, munching hotdogs, kissing their wives and girlfriends, disciplining their kids, waving to the camera, fiddling with electronic devices....listening and snapping pictures...

and i'm all alone at home plate. and there's no pitch. there's no ball, in fact. the pitcher's looking a little spooked, shrugging, not really getting what's going on either, but recognizing it's because of ME, and agreeing with whomever's in charge...because it's me up there.

how about the cheerleaders? even kurt cobain cheerleaders...?

where's the organ music, getting the crowd riled up? can't i just do my best with 3 pitches and get down, out of the spotlight? everybody can see me and simultaneously see right through me.

oh god. let me in on the joke.