new sprouts where the corpse faded

what was i looking for when i came back to philadelphia? the suburbs?

i had too much pride to ask for help out west after the real danger looked me in the face, during broad daylight. the police officers stating that i had no "visible bruises" got the ball rolling on my rube goldberg machine of purposeful self-destruction.

i brought buddhism home with me, it faded fast.

i brought the violence and the smashing of glass home with me. it got me a year's probation.

what if i had stayed? why did i come back here? what was i looking for, anyway?

i was looking for suicide. and suicide found me. followed me around, even after i got out of the icu. my constant companion was my open grave--to party with, to find false hope with, to make unfulfilling relationships with, to hang out in cemetaries with, to commemorate my "last days" as an artist and human being. all i had to do was jump inside and wait.

so i waited. i requiem'ed myself, i thought about necrophilia and reincarnation and fire.

and then came the 4 weddings and a funeral. well, technically 2 funerals, but i don't think i should've gone to that first one. you know what i mean?

i talked about my friends as if they were right here in front of me, while they were going on with their lives. no amount of computer-self-expression would bring them to me, nor would it bring me the courage to return to them with my tail in between my legs, feeling like a burden.

i think i must know what love is now, finally, at this age. not everyone wants it, and not everyone wants what i have to give. but i believe i will become stronger, wiser, useful, maybe even necessary. i believe my training was and is not limited to college, and, while more structured, will be an adventure and a blessing in turn. life taught me well...and i only hope that the practical lessons become a little less lonely, and (respectfully) a source of growth and prosperity for me and those in my circle.