learn your lessons forever

all of our ancestors who made the hugely uncomfortable voyage to Ellis Island from Europe and the other Americas and Asia and everywhere else...I couldn't imagine moving to another country, let alone an east-coast to west-coast relocation (for the second time). it's taking me a little while to find my center of gravity, remember what parts of me are useful and what others could use some tinkering around with.
i've had a lot of work i've been trying to do to make sure everything gets transferred smoothly, to make sure i will be able to see a doctor (hopefully) very, very soon. that's the one thing i carry around, my health portfolio. someday i won't have to worry...and i'm sure it's coming very soon.

my ex had given me this jade bracelet, like the old chinese ladies wear. i took it off today. i still love it for its jade-ness and the colors it has mutated into since i put it on on my last birthday with him, i can't recall which one. he was nice enough to buy it for me because i'd said "i always wanted one of these" and i made sure it wasn't crazy expensive (about $30) as long as it was beautiful and i liked it.

now that i've taken it off, i'm concerned...not so much about karma, not about superstitious properties of jade, not even sure, really. i was doing some karate moves in the backyard tonight, and i ended up sitting quietly while the cat sat on the fence mysteriously. there's a nice breeze going tonight. i felt good out there. i ended up with the bracelet off and went inside.

it was like a shackle of love when i wore it, and now i see it was simply a piece of jewellery, you know, that you put on and take off. my concept of jewelery sucks b/c i believe EVERY piece you wear should have some sacred significance...i really need to go out and pick up some cute costumey-shit that the thrift store kids wear. even more so though, i don't put all my value into some present and not into myself. is it ok to take it off? will people understand what it means??? who CARES?

i wrote a poem once called, "Diamonds are The Enemy." and they were, at the time. not 3 of them ("past, present and future") could save me from myself. they sank me to the bottom of the ocean like a stone. and i gave them back. this was many years ago. i've had tons of lives and have loved tons of men who were unworthy. but i never knew that at the time!

i guess the last straw was just not knowing, that i'd be marooned without a reason (other than, "you're crazy"), without a thought. it was so scarey, no safety net. and it wasn't like i was here and could become a street person. i know they look out for one another...and there's a certain strength to that, even if it's tragic or strange.

so, for now on it's the "me first" school of living, even if it is grossly insane at times.

let me settle. let me live. let me seek out new friendships, let me put my 2 cents in, let me have a nightlife, let me go swimming in the river, let me learn to love myself, let me be downtown, and i will grow. also, let me look within for the good times too. let me chant like a pro, let me not fear my chosen faith but embrace it...let me be spiritual. only then can i heal the hardness i see in the world and other people (sometimes), and the unfamiliarity of these streets.

i hate always having the possibility of being frozen out. it happens to me, usually with important people in my life. it could be limited, but there's always that freezer thing. i guess that's where detachment comes in; you get to love them anyway. what a fucking love-machine i am.

"ONE LOVE, it's all good, don't despair brothers and sisters." your time will come, and you'll be ready. you might be a little foggy-headed like me and when reality hits that you're someplace strange (people ARE strange, when you're a stranger) and you might have a slight feeling of vertigo. but if you're lucky there's the girl there who wants you to succeed.

ps--shortly after this blog was written, i put the damn bracelet back on.